


and now for something you can't take back

by risquebusiness



Series: Dark!Dirk AU [1]
Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: And they should not be doing it, And violence, Belts, Blood, Choking, Consensual But Not Safe Or Sane, Dark!Dirk AU, Don't Like Don't Read, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional Powerplay, Hate Sex, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Please be careful with emotional manipulation triggers, Psychological Powerplay, Spanking, This is very unhealthy, Todd typical self loathing, Violence, fighting to fucking, it's just smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-27
Updated: 2018-07-27
Packaged: 2019-06-16 23:54:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15448671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/risquebusiness/pseuds/risquebusiness
Summary: He's insane. He's insane, and he's creepy, and just because he sounds like Dirk, and looks like Dirk, and can do all the things Dirk does but with a little more accuracy and a hundred percent more violence, it doesn't mean he's not insane.So Todd does what any sane person would do, and punches him in the face.Then he crawls into bed with him.This is set in a Dark!Dirk AU where Dirk has been swapped with his alternate universe self. Our Dirk remains trapped with his own weird and rather unsettling version of Todd, and our Todd is stuck trying to switch them back before this rather unhinged version of Dirk actually kills him. Or sacrifices him to the will of the universe, whatever the fuck that means.





	and now for something you can't take back

**Author's Note:**

> Hello and welcome to... hate sex. I'm just dropping the porn and leaving. 
> 
> For reference:
> 
> This is probably going to be a series at some point so I understand if it doesn't make much sense right now, but all you really need to understand is our Dirk and the Dirk in this fic have been swapped into each others universes, and everyone is working to get them back. This Dirk is like our Dirk, but not in any way that matters. He's creepy and manipulative and violent. He takes a ruthless approach to fixing the universe which often isn't appreciated by anyone, but to his credit, it does work. In his universe he and Todd have a severely unhealthy relationship which is referenced a lot here and will be explored in further parts of the series. (This would occur about midway through the series, for reference, but I don't know if this will actually be a part of the main series yet or just a bonus.)
> 
> This fic is violent, although not overly graphic, and features some rather heavy emotional manipulation and twisting of words as well as physical violence. This is all consensual, but it is very unhealthy and considered a mistake after the fact. Please, please be careful if you are triggered by any of these things.

It’s been a near constant thing ever since Dirk had worked out that Todd and  _ his  _ Dirk weren’t actually a  _ thing _ yet, and if Todd’s being honest it’s starting to drive him a little crazy. Dirk has been playing him for days, always leaning into his space, letting his touches linger longer than they need to, even when they’re violent he always leaves them with a strange kind of intimacy hanging between them. He smirks whenever he catches Todd looking at him, stretching out or stripping down depending on the situation, and the looks he gives him back are nothing short of a mental undressing. The only difference being that Dirk already  _ knows _ what he looks like under his clothes, what he looks like in many different ways he imagines. All of that he can deal with though, as long as he ignores it. It’s when he starts asking questions that things get a little out of hand. 

 

He’d been enjoying a few moments of blessed relief while Dirk had been showering, spending time searching for any possible explanation for what’s happened like he spends most of his free time doing these days, but pleased at least to have it uninterrupted. Until Dirk had come back, half dressed like he’s comfortable spending most of his time like that regardless of who’s around while Todd tried not to stare, because it was so far removed from what he know of Dirk and it was shocking, not for any other reason. For now he’s doing his best to ignore him, but Dirk has been watching him from across the room for quite a while now, and Todd knows it’s only a matter of time before he starts up again. 

 

Eventually the weight of his gaze becomes too much and he manages to grit out a, “ _ what _ ?”

 

He can feel the answering smile without having to look at him to see it. 

 

“Sorry?” he asks, perfectly polite like he hasn’t got the first idea what Todd is talking about. 

 

“You’re staring. What do you want?” 

 

“Oh, that? I wouldn’t worry I’m just… thinking.”

 

“About  _ what _ ?”

 

“You’re being very good about not looking at me,” Todd finds himself looking over at him completely unbidden, Dirk watching him right back like it’s exactly what he expected him to do. “Not like you to be a  _ gentleman _ ,” he sighs, stretching out enticingly and despite himself Todd finds his eyes darting down to his chest for the briefest moment, tracking back up his arms to rest on Dirk’s smirking face. 

 

“Not like you to strip in the middle of the day,” he snipes back, pretty sure he’s only making the situation worse. 

 

“Even so, boring personality differences aside, we  _ look _ the same, don’t we?” Todd doesn’t have to give him an answer, his silence is loud enough. “I’ve seen you looking at me. You look at him too, that much is obvious, so you must have  _ thought  _ about it.”

 

One day Todd is going to learn how to bite his tongue, but today is not that day. “About what?” like he doesn’t already know, like Dirk won’t answer.

 

“About him. About you. About you and him  _ together _ , probably in bed but I doubt the place matters much. Naked I imagine, unless you have a  _ thing _ for his jackets or his ties or something else that would prevent you from being completely undressed,” he hops off his perch on the windowsill and moves towards him. Todd pulls his laptop closer like he can use it as a shield. “You’ve thought about touching him, about him touching you. What he’d look like, what he’d sound like, what he’d  _ feel  _ like. Under you, or on top of you, or next to you. All the ways you want him. All the ways you want him to want  _ you _ .” 

 

He’s getting close, too close, and Todd can’t think of any good way to talk himself out of this. “I- You-” he shakes his head, setting his laptop aside and standing up quite abruptly. “No. I don’t need to- I’m going to go shower.” Leaving the situation is the best course of action for everyone he’s fairly certain, but it seems that Dirk is in no hurry to let him leave. 

 

He must have been closer than he realised, or at least quicker and quieter than he’s used to with his own very much  _ un _ trained Dirk, because before he can take more than two steps there’s a strong hand wrapped around his arm and Dirk tugs him back to face him. He’s still very much as shirtless as he was last time he looked, and it’s all Todd can do to swallow it down and try not to let his gaze linger.

 

“Would you be gentle?” he asks, watching him carefully as he slides his hand slowly down his arm to wrap around his wrist. “When you touch him, would it be soft? Careful?” he lifts Todd’s hand to place it on his chest, warm skin and a steady heartbeat under his palm. “Would you take it slowly?” he should pull away, Dirk is holding his hand there but it’s not forced, he could break his grip if he tried. He doesn’t though. 

 

“I know what  _ you  _ like, but you? You care about what  _ he  _ likes. You haven't made a move, but you've  _ thought  _ about it,” he slides their hands down slowly, over the bumps of his ribs and the smooth planes of his stomach, “about  _ this _ . Touching him.  _ Feeling _ him under your hands.” 

 

Todd can't do anything but watch his face and try to keep his breathing steady when their hands come to a stop just above the waistband of his trousers. He’s close enough to note, somewhat hysterically, that the button is already undone.

 

“He's  _ sweet _ , isn't he? You want to take care of him,” the look on Todd’s face must give him away because he smiles and Todd feels caught. “When you think about it, is it his first time?” he’ thought about it a million different ways it feels like, but it always tends to cycle back round to that and he hates that this Dirk seems to know him well enough to know that. He doesn't want to break whatever spell this is but Dirk doesn't look like he's going to carry on without an answer. Not giving him one would probably be an out.

 

“Sometimes,” it’s shaky, but it makes him smile in a way that has Todd thinking he's just made a huge mistake.

 

“He's lonely, isn't he? And you want to fix that. You want to make him feel like nobody else has, you want to  _ touch  _ him where nobody else has.” Todd swallows heavily, eyes darting over his face. This is bad. This is so  _ very _ bad. He needs to go. 

 

“I…”

 

“He wants to be touched. Nobody has touched him in any way that matters in  _ such _ a long time, he feels so desperate for it,” he takes a step closer, assessing his reactions. “You could give him that, couldn't you?” 

 

Todd's heart is racing, mouth dry as he watches  _ something  _ flit across Dirk’s face, and when he opens his eyes Todd's breath catches because he looks… soft. Needy. A little shy with the way he's looking at him. He knows he's not, but he looks like  _ his _ and for a moment that's all that matters. 

 

“Please,” he says, and  _ god  _ even his voice is perfect, a little shaky and full of all the things Todd didn't even know he'd been missing about it. “You can-” Todd moves his hand up to cup his jaw without thinking, watching the way he sighs, eyes fluttering closed when he leans into it. He’s been desperate to have Dirk back, he  _ wants _ it to go back to normal but this isn’t  _ him _ . This is so wrong. “Touch me,” he whispers softly, smoother than he thinks Dirk would ever manage it, but sounding like every fantasy Todd has ever had about this come to life and he doesn’t think he’s strong enough to resist.  “I…  _ please _ , Todd. I  _ need _ you.” 

 

Fuck it. Todd was already going to hell anyway.

 

He surges forward to kiss him, hot and needy and nothing at all like he'd kiss  _ his  _ Dirk for the first time, biting at his mouth because he  _ knows _ whatever game this is it's one he's just lost but no matter how angry he is he can't deny that he  _ wants _ this. Not like this though, not with him pretending to be whatever he thinks Dirk would be like, that's something Todd only wants to see for himself on the real thing. The thought that he might never get chance leaves him desperate to grab onto  _ something _ and if this is what he can get he'll take it. 

 

Dirk is kissing back, but it's still soft despite Todd's own aggression, still playing gentle and unsure and he growls his frustration against his mouth, tugging him closer and trying to goad him out of it. 

 

“ _ Stop it, _ ” he tells him, hot and angry, hating the way he pulls back to look at him, playing confused.

 

“Is this not… don't you want me?” he sounds small and uncertain and it shouldn't cut through him the way it does but for a moment he's so close to pulling him in and whispering gentle reassurances to him, because god he  _ never _ wants to cause Dirk to look at him like that. There's something else in his eyes though, something that shouldn't be there and it's enough to make anger flare in his stomach, channeling his desperation into something else when he finds himself shoving him back just far enough to throw a punch that never lands. 

 

Dirk dodges it like it’s nothing and catches him by the wrist, twisting his arm and forcing him to turn until he's pressed in a long, solid line against Todd's back. He freezes, the tension in his arm is enough that Todd knows if he tries to get out of it he's probably going to break something. 

 

“That wasn't very nice,” he admonishes, Todd can feel his breath on the back of his neck. Too close. “If you wanted it rough you only had to  _ ask _ ,” it’s fucked up but he finds it relieving to hear the amusement is back in his voice.

 

“ _ Fuck you _ ,” he spits, struggling against his hold but it’s more for show than anything. He’s still mad, more so that he didn’t even manage to get a solid hit in, but he’s not willing to break his arm over it. 

 

Dirk laughs, pressing his arm further up his back and forcing him onto his toes, leaning in close enough that he barely has to raise his voice at all for him to hear. “In my experience, you like it better the other way around.”

 

Before Todd can snipe back Dirk lets go and shoves him forward, he finds himself landing heavily on his hands and knees as he manages to catch himself before he meets the floor face first, only to cry out sharply when Dirk fists his hand into his hair and uses it to pull him up to his knees. Todd’s hands go to his wrist instinctively, trying to alleviate some of the pressure.

 

“You like it like this too, if you don’t already know that. It suits you, although I have to admit it is a  _ little _ more charming when you go to your knees voluntarily,” there’s something far too smug about the words and Todd is already too furious to think before he acts. He pushes up, using the way Dirk is pulling his head up as leverage to get his feet under him and following through to headbutt him in the chin.

 

It hurts like hell, but the way Dirk drops him as he curses in pain is entirely worth it, until he rights himself enough to hook his foot around Todd’s ankle and sends him crashing back down to the floor. 

 

His head bounces off the carpet, but that’s the least of his concerns when Dirk climbs on top of him, straddling his legs and catching his wrists when Todd reaches up to push him off, leaning over him to pin them to the floor above his head. For a minute they both stay there, panting for breath while Todd squirms against his hold. It’s stronger than he’s imagined it would be, although he doesn’t think he should really be surprised by that. 

 

“You like this better?” he asks, switching both of his wrists to one hand so he can wipe away the blood running down from his nose. Todd can’t help but feel smug at the sight of it. 

 

“Get the  _ fuck _ off of me,” his teeth are clenched together as he struggles in his grip, hips twisting to try and dislodge him. He’s only winding himself up more when it becomes clear that it isn’t going to work but he refuses to give in that easily, not when Dirk doesn’t even look  _ bothered  _ by his attempts.

 

“Why? So you can try and hit me again? I thought we were having a  _ moment _ ,” Todd finds himself wanting to scream. 

 

“A  _ moment _ ? Fuck you! The only thing we were having was a goddamn reminder of how much of an absolute  _ psycho _ you are!”

 

“Funny,” Dirk grins, leaning in until his mouth is hovering just out of Todd’s reach. “I could have  _ sworn _ you were the one who kissed me.”

 

“Yeah,” Todd fumbles for an explanation, “because it was the only way I was going to shut you the fuck up.”

 

“Is  _ that  _ why?” there’s laughter in his voice, and Todd gives up on fighting just long enough to try and headbutt him again. Dirk sees it coming this time and pulls back before he can hit him, using his free hand to catch him by the throat and pin him to the floor just hard enough that Todd finds himself struggling to breathe. “ _ Down _ .”

 

Todd absolutely does not whimper. 

 

He does stop fighting though, much to Dirk’s amusement. 

 

“Would you look at that,” he sounds absolutely  _ delighted _ by this turn of events. “Some things are constant in  _ every  _ universe.”

 

“What? Now it's a ‘me’ thing to try  _ not _ to get choked?” the words are breathy and strained but it's clear that the pressure on his throat is a warning rather than an intent. Even so, Dirk leans into it a little more for a brief second, enough to send a flash of panic through Todd's chest before he lets up again.

 

“Oh no, quite the  _ opposite _ usually,” he frowns, pretending to think it over. “At least it tends to  _ end _ that way, I'm never quite sure whether that's what you're going for or not, but I don't think you're stupid enough to  _ actually  _ think anything else would happen.” 

 

“You're  _ insane _ ,” he chokes out, Dirk just rolls his eyes.

 

“So you keep saying,” he sounds almost bored with the accusation, “but you know, I think he  _ likes _ that.” The look on his face implies he thinks there's a possibility he might feel that way too.

 

“ _ He's  _ insane,” he counters with as much venom as he can manage, something in Dirk’s expression drops. 

 

Suddenly he can't breathe, the hand around his throat feels like a vice and he struggles to get his hands free so he can try and get him  _ off _ . It's a fruitless effort though, Dirk is leaning over him and there's something other than amused indifference in his eyes now. Something hard and unmovable, it chills him.

 

“It's not good manners to insult someone when they aren't here to defend themselves,” his voice is eerily steady, like Todd isn't clawing blunt nails at his hands, about to pass out under him if he doesn't let go. “And frankly, between us, you're  _ really _ not that different to him.” He couldn’t get any words out if he tried, trying to find some purchase with his feet to leverage him off but his shoes just keep slipping on the carpet and it’s not getting him anywhere. Dirk is still staring him down when his vision starts to go blurry around the edges. 

 

This time when he chokes it's on the sudden rush of oxygen he inhales as Dirk lets go of him, his weight disappearing entirely as he stands up off him and Todd rolls onto his side while he gasps for breath. He feels like he’s still choking as he gulps down air, coughing and dizzy, feeling a little sick as he gets his hands underneath him to push himself up. They aren’t done yet.

 

“I'm  _ nothing _ like him,” he manages, glaring at him as he manages to drag himself to his feet. 

 

“Are you  _ sure _ ?” He hates how little Dirk reacts to his words, it makes him feel like his arguments are little more than childish fits of temper. “ You haven't even  _ met _ him.”

 

“I don't need to, I've met  _ you _ . I can't think of a single reason I'd stay with you,” he certainly can’t work out why the hell this other him seems to have stuck around. Like everything though Dirk seems to have an answer for that too.

 

He smiles, shaking his head as if Todd is just being naive. “Because I give you something you can’t get anywhere else.” 

 

Todd snorts, derisive. “I used to get this shit at gigs all the time.”

 

“Not the  _ fighting _ ,” he rolls his eyes, “god knows you could start a fight on your own in a locked room if you  _ really  _ wanted to. No, it's something you need more than that.” Dirk moves towards him and this time he steps back, watching him distrustfully as he keeps coming. It doesn’t take long before Todd’s back hits the wall and he realises he’s managed to work himself into a corner. He eyes the door, wondering if he’d be able to make it. 

 

“And what the  _ fuck  _ do you think I need?” 

 

“Purpose,” he closes the last of the distance between them, cutting him off from the exit even if he could have made it. “Meaning,” he feels panicky, trapped, like an animal being hunted. Dirk reaches out to set his hand over the bruises he can feel forming on his throat and he flinches, freezing when he just rests it there. “ _ Control _ .”

 

The indignance is immediate, spurring him into action as he shoves him back. “ _ I don't need _ -”

 

“Direction, then. If the wording is the issue,” he shrugs, like it's all the same to him. “Or are you doing to try and tell me that you don't get  _ any _ of that from him?”

 

Todd stares him down for as long as he can with Dirk watching him so expectantly, but it's something he struggles to work out how to deny. No matter how he turns it in his head, knowing Dirk  _ has _ given him purpose, starting up the agency with him  _ has _ given him meaning. The way he's phrasing it is wrong, the way he  _ means _ it is wrong, but Todd knows all too well that when it seems like everything is messed up beyond comprehension he looks to Dirk for direction. There's no way to argue it that this Dirk wouldn't turn back on him in an instant, so instead he just sets his jaw stubbornly and glares like it will have any effect at all.

 

“That's what I thought,” he sounds so pleased with himself that Todd’s plan to give him the silent treatment falls apart before he even fully makes it. 

 

“It's not the  _ same _ ,” because it’s  _ not _ , but he doesn’t have the time or patience to explain the how's and why’s of that to a man who likely wouldn’t care to hear them anyway. 

 

Dirk just shrugs, “whatever keeps you sane.”

 

“He doesn't  _ control _ me,” he hisses, even though he really should just let it go. The urge to defend not only himself but the version of Dirk he knows is too strong. “He wouldn't  _ want _ to.”

 

There’s a moment of silence where Dirk looks him over thoughtfully before he nods, like something makes sense to him now. “That's what's missing, isn't it?” 

 

“I'm not here for your fucking  _ mind games _ ,” and he hates the way the questions always make him feel like he’s missing something. “Make your point or shut the fuck up.”

  
  


“If that’s what you want,” Dirk shrugs, eyes lighting up in a way that tells Todd he’s just said entirely the wrong thing. “You're a scrappy little shit who needs someone to pull the leash when you go too far to stop you from hurting yourself and everyone around you.”

 

Todd’s eyes narrow. “That’s-”

 

“I’m not finished,” Dirk says, holding up a finger to stop him. “You need someone who cares enough to draw a line and stop you from crossing it. Make you little box where you belong,” he doesn’t feel any less trapped when he smiles sadly, shaking his head like he feels sorry for him. “Because that's all you really want, isn’t it? To belong somewhere. But you're so bad at recognising good things in your life that you've already destroyed them before you realise you wanted to keep them. When someone gives you a place you need them to make sure you stay in it, or you’ll end up losing it entirely.” 

 

He’s waiting for something, there’s more to come, and even though he knows he isn’t going to like it he finds himself wanting to hear it like some strange masochistic desire he can’t quite shake.

 

“That’s the problem with him,  _ that’s  _ why you haven’t made a move. He’ll let you push and push and  _ push _ , and eventually you’re going to break him too, aren’t you?” Dirk didn’t even need to touch him to knock the air out of his lungs this time. Todd’s eyes search his face like he’s trying to work out how he could possibly know that, because deep down Todd is absolutely  _ terrified _ of hurting him even a little, let alone enough to make him want to stay away. 

 

Dirk smiles, almost like he’s trying to reassure him. “You can’t break me,” he promises, running gentle fingers through his hair. “You’re safe,” he whispers as he leans in. Todd wraps a hand around his arm like he wants to drag him closer, like it’ll stop him from drowning in whatever this is. “ _ I’m _ safe. Whatever you do, whatever you say, you can’t break me. I won’t let you.” 

 

Todd can feel himself shaking. He’s still angry, the need to punch him in the face is still burning away below the surface but there’s something else there now. Something aching and raw, it makes him feel desperate for something he doesn’t have a name for, let alone the first idea how to ask for. 

 

He doesn’t need to though, because before he can even try to figure out what it is he’s feeling Dirk is kissing him. It feels like a relief, like  _ permission _ , and Todd pulls him closer when he curls his tongue into his mouth. It’s slow, there’s no rush to it but it still feels heavy,  _ possessive  _ he thinks, deep and claiming in a way that makes his breath hitch when he finds himself wanting to give in. If it was anyone else, he just might have. 

 

But it’s not anyone else, and it doesn’t take long for the anger to catch up, although it’s more frustration at this point when he can’t even work out what it is he’s feeling. It’s still enough to make him drop his hand from his arm, moving to fist it into his hair instead, pulling him in rather than pushing away for a change and surging up to meet him. 

 

He feels Dirk laugh against his mouth and it only spurs him on, biting as he kisses him back, trying to gain the upper hand. It’s something he seems to take as a challenge because when Todd pushes into his space Dirk shoves him back to the wall, the space between them is next to nothing but even that feels too much for the moment it exists. Before he can complain Dirk is pressing in along his front, forcing his legs apart with his own and slotting them together like he’s done it a hundred times before. He probably has, but he’s pulled out of that train of thought when Dirk digs his fingers into his jaw and kisses him hard enough to bruise. His hand moves down his throat, thumbing over his collarbone like he’s expecting to feel something that isn’t there and then dragging lower, over his chest and down his stomach, mirroring the path he’d taken over his own body before even if Todd still has his shirt on, which doesn’t seem like it will be the case for much longer.

 

“ _ Off _ ,” Dirk tells him, tugging at the bottom of said shirt in a way that gives Todd the distinct impression that he’d have no problem tearing it off of him if he doesn’t comply. He’s tempted to let him just to be petty, but then Dirk moves to bite at his jaw, breath hot against his ear when he says, “ _ now _ .” 

 

Todd finds himself scrambling to pull it over his head, which turns out to be a lot harder when there’s barely any room to move in. He manages it mostly until it gets caught around his wrists like it’s trying to stop this from happening. Todd almost laughs at the thought that his shirt is being more reasonable than he is right now, but any thought of laughter is ripped away when Dirk catches the bunched up fabric in his hands and uses it to hold his arms to the wall above his head, making no secret of the way he looks him over now he’s got him pinned. 

 

He hums thoughtfully, brushing his fingers over his ribs, drawing his thumb in a long line up from his stomach like he’s mapping out markings from memory. “I forgot how  _ perfect _ you used to be,” there’s something wistful in his tone that leaves Todd wondering what it is he’s seeing. “I’m willing to bet you still bruise easily though,” Dirk shifts his grip on his hands to hold him steady, watching his face as he catches on to the warning. 

 

“Don’t you  _ fucking _ -” whatever he’s expecting it doesn’t come, Dirk just surges back to kiss him again, smiling against his mouth. 

 

“You fuck better when you’re angry.”

 

“I'm so fucking  _ sick _ of your bullshit,” he spits back, “you're a goddamn  _ asshole _ .”

 

“Are you done? Or do you want to stamp your feet and tell me you hate me and you never want to see me again?” 

 

The look on his face is so infuriatingly cocky that Todd finds himself wanting to scream. Dirk is distracted by his own amusement though, enough that with a sharp tug Todd manages to get one of his hands free fast enough to slap the look off his face like he's been wanting to do so badly for days now. Dirk curses, seemingly surprised as he lets go of him and Todd tosses his shirt aside before he can get caught in it again. 

 

When Dirk turns back to him he looks torn between delight and fury. 

 

“Hit me again and I'll-” what exactly he's going to do he never gets a chance to say, because Todd manages to land a solid punch to his jaw that sends him reeling back, effectively cutting off his argument. He’s not ashamed to admit it’s satisfying enough to make him smile. 

 

“Sorry, didn't get that, you want to try again?” it’s emboldened him, but that’s not necessarily a good thing, as he discovers a second later when Dirk throws a punch of his own. He should have gone for the door instead. 

 

Pain spikes sharply across his cheekbone faster than he can actually register being hit, but he barely has time to register  _ that _ before Dirk grabs him by the hair and slams him face first into the wall. There's blood on the paintwork when he pulls back, in enough shock to be unsure exactly where it's coming from. It's not enough to be concerning though he thinks, realising that he's definitely bitten his tongue when Dirk kisses him again and it tastes like blood.

 

“You need to learn when to  _ stop _ ,” but Dirk himself doesn't seem to be interested in stopping at all, hands going to Todd's belt buckle and fumbling to get it undone. 

 

“Thought you wanted me angry?” he makes no move to help, fisting his hands back into Dirk’s hair and keeping him occupied, biting at his jaw.

 

“You're not angry,” he snorts, pressing in closer, “you're  _ insolent _ .”

 

Todd bites down harder, smirking when it makes Dirk hiss. “You shouldn't start fights if you don't want them finished.”

 

“Oh, it'll be finished alright,” Dirk has finally gotten his belt undone, pulling it out of the loops on his jeans, “but not by you.”

 

“You sure about that?” 

 

“I've beaten it out of you once,” Dirk pulls back, watching Todd pant for breath as he folds the belt in half in his hand. “I don't mind doing it again.”

 

Todd rolls his eyes, hoping it makes him look braver than he feels when he knows how likely he is to actually follow through on that threat. “I’d like to see you try.” 

 

Dirk grins, all teeth as he sets the still-warm leather of Todd’s belt against his stomach like a warning. “ _ Would _ you?”

 

Despite himself, Todd freezes. “Stop doing that.”

 

“Doing what?” he asks, playing innocent as he drags the belt up across his skin until it’s resting lightly over the bruise on his cheekbone. 

 

“Twisting my words,” his heart is racing in his chest, trying his best to ignore it. “You know I didn’t-” 

 

“But you  _ do  _ like it.” Dirk presses his leg back between Todd’s, pressing closer until they’re flush together and he has to tilt his head back ever so slightly to look at him. 

 

“I-” 

 

“I don’t know if it’s a sex thing or if your self hatred just runs  _ that _ deep, but you  _ like _ it.” Like most of Dirk’s smiles, this one is mocking and it’s enough to rile him up again. 

 

“ _ Your _ me likes it,” he counters, defensive. “That’s a  _ very  _ different thing.”

 

“No,” he runs his thumb over the split in Todd’s lip, rocking his thigh up against where he’s so obviously hard in his jeans. Todd’s breath catches on a moan, grabbing at Dirk’s arms and rolling his hips back against him before he can stop himself, caught off guard. Dirk just watches his face, looking for all the world like Todd’s just given himself up to him. “ _ You _ like it.”

 

It’s hard to form a coherent argument with Dirk grinding against him the way he is. Todd still very much wants to punch him, wants to yell and scream and fight with him, but the tension between them that started this whole thing off has only been building and it seems to be making itself known now if the way the only thing Todd can think to do is to drop his hands to Dirk’s hips and pull him closer is anything to go by. 

 

“What are you going to do about it?” at this point he can’t really bring himself to care if it’s going to get him hurt, if he’s going to throw himself off the deep end he may as well go all the way. 

 

Dirk kisses him, surprisingly soft for the moment and the aching in his chest he’s been trying to ignore comes back in full force. It’s gentle enough that it’s almost a caress, almost enough to be  _ him _ if he closes his eyes and tries not to think about it too much. A treacherous part of his mind tells him that if he asked Dirk for that he’d probably give it to him, but he knows he’d only do it because he knows how much it would hurt him. 

 

“I’m going to see how far the similarities go,” he promises, lingering just long enough to brush his lips over the bruising on his throat. For a moment Todd thinks he’s going to bite down, but the shock of pain ignites across his ribs instead when Dirk moves suddenly, bringing the belt down hard enough to knock the breath out of him and humming his approval into his neck when he doesn’t do anything but dig his nails in where he’s holding him.

 

“Bed,” he insists, tugging at Todd’s belt loops as an indication to follow which he does perhaps a little too easily, letting him shove him down and back onto the mattress with more force than strictly necessary. Before he can reach out to pull him down too, Dirk flips him onto his stomach and climbs onto the bed to sit across him. 

 

“You could have  _ asked _ ,” Todd hisses, seemingly offended and moving to push himself up. Dirk ignores him, shoving him down with a hand between his shoulder blades. 

 

“ _ Stay _ ,” he holds him there for a moment before letting go. Todd immediately tries again.

 

“I’m not a  _ dog _ , I’m not gonna-”

 

“I’ve asked you once,” his voice is calm enough that it stops him mid-protest. “Don’t make me do it again.”

 

“You call that asking?” Dirk sets a hand on the back of his neck, and every muscle in his body tenses in response. 

 

“I call it a warning, which is me being  _ generous _ . If you want to test my patience then by all means go ahead, but I  _ really _ hope you know where to pick your battles because unlike what you may be used to, when you  _ disappoint  _ me which you will, because you always  _ do _ , I’m not going to be nice about it.” Todd grits his teeth because he wants to fight, he  _ does _ , but he also doesn’t want to keep letting him win by getting under his skin and he doesn’t know which urge is stronger. “Now,” he tightens his grip and presses him down into the bed, leaning over so Todd can feel his breath against his ear. “Be a good boy, and  _ stay _ .”

 

“You’re a  _ dick _ ,” it’s not really a fight, not when he stays put anyway, but it’s seemingly enough to annoy Dirk because the next thing he knows he’s taking his hand away and there’s something cold and incredibly sharp pressed against his side. 

 

“He has a scar here, you know,” he says conversationally, like Todd can’t feel how close he is to breaking skin every time he inhales and the knife doesn’t move with him. “All the way down his side, not the first one I gave him but that’s not the point.” His heart is racing in his chest and he tries to keep his breathing shallow as Dirk traces the path of the mark up and down his skin. “He fucked up, I suppose you have that in common, so I didn’t touch him for a week and do you know what he did when I asked him if he wanted it?” Dirk presses the very tip of the knife in just below his ribs, Todd doesn’t think he’s ever held himself so still. “He  _ begged _ me for it,” when he drags the knife down this time it has enough bite to sting, even though it’s nowhere near enough to leave a scar Todd hisses as he squirms, trying to pull away. “I know you’re just as desperately needy for someone to  _ want  _ you as he is, even if you don’t want to admit it to yourself, so if that’s what you want I can give it to you.  _ Or _ ,” he’s been so preoccupied with the knife that he hadn’t even noticed that Dirk’s other hand had moved from holding him down, to teasing his fingers against the warm skin just below the waistband of his jeans. “You can behave yourself for once in your life, and let me show you what  _ else _ he begged me for.”

 

He should stop. He should tell him to fuck off and  _ mean  _ it this time, he should shove him off and go and shower like he should have been doing in the goddamn first place. There are a million things Todd can think of that he  _ should _ do, but none of them are what he actually  _ does _ . 

 

It’s just another reason to hate himself later. 

 

“Just… shut up and get on with it,” Dirk digs the knife in a little more, and for a terrifying moment Todd thinks he’s said the wrong thing. But then he tosses it aside, seemingly unworried about the idea of Todd trying anything with it and he doesn’t know whether or not he should be insulted by that.

 

“How romantic. I  _ really _ hope you have some lube,” but he’s already reaching for the drawer like he knows Todd keeps it there. He  _ does _ know, he knows a lot of things about him, and he tries to ignore the way heat curls in his gut when Dirk drops the bottle onto the bed and he wonders just how  _ much _ he knows about him. 

 

_ Too  _ much, he's willing to wager, but he can hardly bring himself to worry about it when Dirk is tossing the bottle he found down next to him and moves to drag Todd's jeans off, taking his boxers with them. Todd is very suddenly aware of how naked he is when he realises Dirk is still half dressed. It makes him squirm, despite his best efforts to ignore what he’s doing.

 

“Don't be shy,” it's not particularly comforting, but then he doesn't think it’s meant to be. “Don't tell me you're trading in all that fight for embarrassment, I was  _ enjoying _ that.”

 

“I thought we were getting this over with,” he spits back, and he can almost hear the way Dirk rolls his eyes.

 

“Mm,” he hums, thoughtful in a way Todd isn't sure he likes, especially not when he strokes his fingers over the belt mark from earlier, already starting to come up purple. “I was right, you  _ do _ bruise easily.”  

 

“Yeah, because  _ that's _ a totally normal observation,” he bites. Todd doesn't know why he's still here, he should have left, he should never have gotten to this point, he doesn't know what he's doing. 

 

He doesn't get much chance to think on it any further, because Dirk picks his belt up too fast for Todd to stop him and brings it down over the top of his thighs with a startling amount of force.

 

It knocks the breath out of him, forcing tears to his eyes immediately and when he manages to inhale again it's with a gasp of pain that recoils all the way through him, fingers curling into the blanket as he bows inwards and away from it. 

 

“ _ Fuck _ ,” he curses, laughing through his teeth. “Mother _ fucker _ .”

 

“ _ Such _ a dirty mouth,” he tuts, and Todd hates him even more. “Are you going to apologise?”

 

“For _ what _ ?!” it's indignant, and Todd is just about ready to go off on him but Dirk beats him to it, bringing the belt down again with a resounding  _ crack _ , leaving an angry red stripe printed across his skin. This time he cries out with the hit, jerking forwards but Dirk pulls him back by his hair to stop him going too far. 

 

“I'm waiting.” 

 

“I'm not  _ apologising _ ! I didn't even-” he nearly bites through his tongue with the force of the next blow, enough to make him whimper and forcing the tears to roll down his cheeks. He wants to bury his face in the blankets to hide it, he doesn’t have to dig too deep to find the shame, but he can't even do that.

 

“You're so  _ very _ lucky I'm in a good mood.” Todd considers asking what he means by that, but abruptly decides he doesn't want to know. “So,” he rests the leather against his skin and Todd feels his whole body tense in anticipation. “Is there something you wanted to say?” 

 

He considers it for a brief moment, before he wipes away his tears and grits his teeth, bracing himself. “ _ Screw you _ .”

 

He brings the belt down twice in quick succession, but Todd can barely register it before he's being flipped onto his back, arching away when his ass hits the bed because it  _ hurts _ . Dirk reaches over him to pin his hands above his head, forcing his legs apart and pinning his left down with his knee, spreading him open. Vulnerable, his brain supplies through the haze of shock and pain. He registers the threat quite clearly when Dirk lays the belt down over the sensitive skin of his inner thigh. 

 

“I'd say I'm starting to think you like this, but that much is  _ obvious _ ,” he smirks, looking down at where Todd is still hard. He can feel the way he flushes even through the tears, screwing his eyes shut like that will make it easier to bear. Like it will make it easier to ignore that on some level Dirk might be right. “You can make it stop, you know. Unless you don't  _ want _ to.”

 

“You  _ know _ that's not-” it hurts far more than the others had, Dirk has to hold him down through it and when the initial shock subsidies he finds himself sobbing. He wants to curse him out, but he can't make himself past the small distressed sounds getting caught in his throat. Todd flinches when he brings the belt up to his face, but all he does is use his fingers to stroke through his hair soothingly.

 

“You just have to say it,” he tells him softly. “I  _ know _ how much you feel like you need to be punished, and we can do that if that's what you want, but you have  _ so _ much to be sorry for Todd. Don't you think you'd feel better if you just  _ said  _ it?”

 

It's disorienting, and he's starting to forget why he was even fighting it in the first place, it hardly seems worth it. But he  _ was _ and it felt important enough that he's not going to give up now. “No,” it's barely more than a whisper and filled with regret already but he grits it out anyway. Dirk sighs and shakes his head, adjusting his grip on his wrists as he twists the belt in his hand. This time when he lays it against him Todd's breath catches, heart racing when he feels the solid weight of the buckle over the bruise that's already forming from his last hit.

 

“Don't make me  _ make  _ you sorry,” his voice is hard and Todd meets his eyes, trying to find a hint of forgiveness in them. There's nothing though, no matter how familiar he looks there's nothing but cold indifference  in the way he's looking at him and it's so very  _ wrong _ he almost feels sick with it. Apparently he's waited too long because he draws the belt back and Todd makes a panicked sound before-

 

“ _ I'm sorry _ ,” it tumbles out of him before he can stop it, desperate enough to make him stop in his tracks. The apology isn't to him though, not  _ this _ Dirk, whatever he is, and it's not for anything he's decided is one of Todd's sins. It's for  _ his  _ Dirk, maybe for himself, maybe even for whoever this Dirk was before he got twisted into whatever the hell  _ this  _ is, he supposes it doesn't really matter. It's real enough to count. “I'm sorry.”

 

Dirk stares him down and Todd doesn’t dare look away, the moment dragging out across what feels like hours between them before Dirk surges down to kiss him. 

 

It’s rough, and he doesn’t seem to expect much in the way of reciprocation which is fine by Todd when his head is still spinning with adrenalin. It feels like Dirk is claiming a victory, pressing into him in a way that clearly doesn’t expect any resistance and it makes him feel hot and cold all at once when he realises he isn’t giving him any. He bites his lip as a token protest but Dirk takes it in stride, working his hand down between their bodies to wrap long, sure fingers around his cock. Todd’s breath stutters and Dirk grins against his mouth. 

 

“You  _ hate  _ that you like this,” the amusement is clear in his voice as he thumbs over the head of his cock, he’s already leaking and Dirk hums happily as he uses it to make the slide of his hand easier. “I love that.”

 

Dirk’s grip is strong and precise, long teasing strokes that have Todd arching into him in spite of the pain. “Sadist,” there’s not much power behind it, breathless as he is, but Dirk digs his nails into the underside of his cock, just the wrong side of painful and laughs when Todd’s hips jerk and he chokes on his breath. 

 

“ _ Masochist _ ,” it’s more teasing than anything but Todd doesn’t try to dispute it, there’s only so many arguments he’s willing to lose in one day. He does whine when Dirk takes his hand away though, unable to complain when he pushes his fingers into his mouth and all Todd can taste is himself. “You want it so  _ badly _ ,” it’s enough to make him flush, shame or something similar and the only retaliation he has is to bite at Dirk’s fingers which backfires when he just shoves them in far enough to make him choke on them. “If I could trust you not to bite I’d let you taste him too, have you thought about that?” he works his fingers in and out of his mouth, and it’s not long before Todd lets himself get caught up in it, cheeks hollowing as he sucks on them. Dirk’s eyes go dark, fixating on his mouth for a moment. “Of course you have,” he decides, voice low and steady. “You like being on your knees too much. He’d never put you there, would he? But you’d go anyway, always so desperate to prove you’re worth keeping around.” 

 

The words twist into his stomach alongside the heat already building there, uncomfortable and leaving him feeling some kind of empty that he hopes to chase away with the mindless way he’s grinding up against Dirk’s thigh. Luckily for him Dirk seems to have a similar idea. 

 

“I’m going to open you up,” he says, brushing his lips along Todd’s jaw as he pulls his fingers from his mouth, reaching for the belt as he sits back up to lean over him. “And I’m going to take you apart in all the ways you like best,” he wraps the belt around Todd’s wrists, tying it off a little too tight and Todd knows he should at least be putting up a token fight at this point but he isn’t. He’s far too caught up in his words, feeling the weight of them as he tests the strength of his bonds. “Leave you aching, and needy, and begging for me, for  _ him _ ,” Todd can’t take his eyes off of him as he sits back up, shifting his weight to spread his legs further as he retrieves the lube he’d tossed aside earlier.  “And you’re going to love every second of it, because I  _ know _ you, but when it’s over? Oh  _ darling _ ,” his mouth is dry and his heart is racing but it doesn’t stop the endearment from making him shudder, Dirk smiles and shakes his head sadly, “you’re going to  _ hate _ yourself.”

 

Todd closes his eyes, because he already knows that, he’s close enough to that already and he doesn’t need to let him see it. He hears the snap of the bottle lid though, and then there’s the cold, wet glide of his fingers down over his stomach, past his cock where he strains for the slightest touch from how close they are, down, down, down until he feels the first tentative press against his hole. He swallows hard when Dirk starts making tiny little circles, the barest hint of pressure for a maddening few moments until Todd gives in and pushes back against him only for Dirk to move away with him.

 

“You still want it though, don’t you?” 

 

He opens his eyes to find Dirk watching him, heavy and hungry and there’s so much that Todd wants, so much he  _ shouldn’t  _ want reflected in that gaze that sends fire burning across his skin spreading rapidly out of control. There’s too much on offer for him to say no. 

 

“Yes,” he’s shocked by just how much it shows in his voice, but Dirk doesn’t seem surprised at all.

 

“Yes, what?” he’s still irritating enough to piss Todd off though, even like this.

 

“If you’re going to fuck me just-  _ ah. _ ” Dirk wastes no time pressing the first finger in, none too gentle about it despite the way Todd squirms. Instead of stopping he uses his free hand to hold his hips steady until he’s pressed in to the last knuckle, and Todd hisses when he pulls it out just enough to press back in again without leaving any time for him to get used to it.

 

“My my, it  _ has  _ been a while hasn’t it? You’re awfully tight,” his tone is purely observational, and Todd digs his nails into his palms above his head as he sets about working him open. 

 

“You could be a  _ little  _ more careful about it,” he snaps, irritable. 

 

“Don’t worry,” Dirk’s smile is nothing short of mocking, “you’re a big boy, you can take it.” 

 

Todd doesn’t have the words for how much he hates him. “ _ Screw you _ .”

 

“Sweetheart,” Dirk presses the tip of his second finger against his rim where he’s still stretched tight around the first, Todd does his best to hold still. “Do you  _ want _ more lube, or are you intent on making this as difficult on yourself as possible?” 

 

Todd grinds his teeth as he glares at him, but ultimately says nothing. Dirk smirks. 

 

“Wise decision.” 

 

He’s gentler when he starts to press the second in alongside the first, almost like he’s rewarding him, but it’s still too much too soon and Todd whines, trying to twist his hips away as he digs his fingernails into the end of the belt in his hands. 

 

“Shh,” Dirk’s free hand goes to his hip, pressing down to stop him from squirming too much. “Don't tell me this is your first time,” the look on his face tells Todd that he'd probably be pleased if it was.

 

“You  _ wish _ ,” a childish retort perhaps but he doesn't think it would be fair for anyone to expect him to be great with comebacks right now.

 

Dirk just laughs, seemingly growing bored with taking his time and pressing them both in as deep as he can, watching Todd curse him out for it. “It would certainly be amusing,” he agrees, working him open with far less care than he had been like he can feel Todd's impatience as well. “But you're whiny enough as it is and there's only  _ so _ much of that I can find endearing.”

 

Todd opens his mouth to say something, but then Dirk twists his hand and presses his fingers in at the perfect angle to have him crying out at the wave of pleasure that rolls up his spine. He chokes on his breath, hips stuttering where he's torn between chasing that feeling and not giving into him so easily. Dirk watches him with dark eyes, and Todd can see in his face that he knows exactly what he's thinking, adjusting his hold on his hip to keep him pinned down as he works over that spot again and again and  _ again  _ until Todd can feel the way his thighs are shaking, until Dirk presses another finger into him and he turns his head to the side in an attempt to muffle his moans into his arm. Dirk is relentless now he has him though, letting go of his hip to take hold of his jaw and force him out of hiding.

 

“ _ That's it _ ,” it should be encouraging, reassuring, and if it was his Dirk it would be, but he twists it into something else. Mocking perhaps, a smug kind of satisfaction that Todd is sure comes from the fact that now he can move he's rocking back into every twist and push of his fingers, trying to get  _ more  _ and working himself open in a way he wants to hate but can't bring himself to stop. 

 

“Get  _ on  _ with it,” he manages to grit out eventually, when it feels like it's going to be too much if Dirk keeps going like this. He's too far gone to pretend he doesn't want it at this point even if he still hates that he does, but at least it will be easier to ignore that want when Dirk is fucking him rather than encouraging him to chase his own pleasure the way he is now. Or at least he hopes so. 

 

“I could just make you come like this,” he hums, drawing maddening little circles against his prostate and smiling when it makes Todd’s cock twitch against his stomach. “Would you hate me more if I did?”

 

“I'll hate you enough either way,” he spits, and Dirk laughs when Todd whines as he draws his fingers out. 

 

“It must be  _ so _ confusing for you,” he pouts, face drawn in faux sympathy as he finally gets round to stripping down the rest of the way. Todd tries not to stare and fails spectacularly. There's nothing particularly teasing about the way he does it, if anything it's more methodical than his Dirk would ever manage, but he's thought about getting him naked too often to be able to look away when the opportunity is presented to him, hands twisting in his bindings because he wants to touch. “You love him, you  _ hate  _ me. You don't want me because I'm not  _ him _ , you want me because he'll  _ never  _ want  _ you _ . That's a  _ lot _ to have on your mind.” 

 

“God, do you  _ ever _ shut up? If you wanna fucking  _ monologue _ do it when I don't have to listen.” He yelps in surprise when Dirk wraps his hands around the back of his thighs and drags him down the bed until he’s in his lap, feet planted either side of his hips and Dirk’s knees under the small of his back as he looks down at him. Todd's heart jumps to his throat and he feels trapped, small and vulnerable as Dirk moves to lean over him, pressing his knees up to his chest.

 

“I  _ was _ going to let you choose how we do this,” he has one hand on Todd’s hip, holding him steady as he sits up a little higher on his knees, teasing the head of his cock against where Todd has been worked open and wet. He shudders, trying his best not to give away how much he wants it, but he gets the feeling Dirk can tell anyway. “But I don't want you forgetting what you're doing so I think this works best, don't you?” 

 

Todd squirms in place, he's come too far to turn back now and it's easier to pretend the  _ want _ comes from wanting to get it  _ over  _ with, he wants Dirk to let him keep that pretence at least. “Just  _ fuck _ me already.”

 

He smiles like that's what he's been waiting for, and then he's pressing in, slow and steady so Todd can feel every inch, but not being particularly forgiving about it. Dirk’s hands are gripping tightly to his hips to stop him pulling away from the insistent push until he's buried as deep as he can get, holding them both there while they breathe each other in, and Todd curls his fingers around the belt as he tries to get used to the feeling of being so full because he doubts Dirk will let the moment last too long. 

 

“Too much for you?” there's a smugness to his tone and Todd manages to get it together enough to glare at him.

 

“Fuck you,” it's not nearly as impactful when he sounds so breathless, and even less so when Dirk pulls out just enough to make him gasp when he pushes back in. 

 

“Mm, that's not what you want though.” 

 

Todd hates him. He hates his face and the way he talks and the way he's moving to press kisses along his jaw like they're more intimate than they are. He hates the way he smiles against his skin, hates the way he can't quite stop the way he moans when Dirk pins his hands down and starts fucking into him slowly enough to make him feel like he might just go insane. 

 

"Well?” the word is unpleasantly teasing where it's pressed into his skin, making his stomach turn with the knowledge that he isn’t going to be nice about it. “Does it feel as good as you thought it would?" he adjusts his hold, moving to suck a bruise into his throat. Todd can feel that he’s holding back for some reason he’s not sure he wants to know about. "Does he fill you up in all the right ways? Is this how you wanted him to do it, all slow and careful?"

 

It's too precise to be his Dirk, Todd thinks. His movement are too calculated, too smooth, his body being used against him rather than for both of them. But it's still  _ something _ , it's still knowing what Dirk would feel like pressed against him, over him, filling him up. There's a wave of shame that comes with it but it's not as strong as it should be, not when he can just let that feeling take him over, let himself know that this is what he feels like and take what he can get while it's on offer.

 

Instead of answering Todd turns his head, seeking out his mouth and when Dirk kisses him it's hard and heavy, adjusting his hold to make it easier when he picks up the pace and Todd gives into it, whining against his mouth. 

 

“ _ Dirk _ ,” he breathes, revelling in the way it makes him curse in return and crying out when he bites down too hard on his collarbone. He wants to get lost in this, wants to forget for a moment just how desperately he wants his Dirk back, wants to forget how much it hurts that this is never going to be a possibility with him. Wants to forget how much he's going to hate himself for betraying him like this. Wants to let himself believe that this is him, this is  _ them, _ that he doesn’t need to think about anything else past the give and take of what their bodies feel like together the way he’s always thought about. “ _ Harder _ .”

 

Dirk doesn't seem to need much convincing, fisting a hand into Todd's hair to pull his head back as he starts fucking him properly, hard and fast like they're still fighting. It knocks the breath out of him for a moment, and Todd bites at his mouth when Dirk kisses him again, wishing he had his hands free so he could actually get at him but wrapping his legs around him to pull him in closer instead, rocking back into him as he tries to give as good as he gets. 

 

“You just can't stand it, can you?” Dirk laughs, breathless as he moans, making no secret of his own pleasure, pressing them closer. “You  _ want _ this, stop  _ fighting  _ me.” 

 

Todd bites him again, because it’s the only thing he has at his disposal right now and Dirk retaliates by slamming back into him as hard as he can, making Todd scramble for some kind of purchase when he shifts the angle just a little and does it again, hitting exactly the right spot to force a choked off “ _ fuck” _ out of him and rendering any attempts to argue entirely useless. He feels spread out and hemmed in all at once, trapped and pinned open as Dirk works on taking him apart, relentless now he’s got him where he wants him and there’s nothing he can do but hold on as best he can. It’s overwhelming in so many ways, and he’s more than ready to get lost in it.

 

“There’s a good boy,” he purrs, breath hot against his throat and making him shudder with the praise. It shouldn’t feel good,  _ none _ of this should feel good, but he’s willing to let him take him apart if it means he gets to forget for a minute what a shitty situation he’s in. Even so, the smug tone of his voice makes him want to punch him all over again.

 

“I  _ hate  _ you,” he manages, but Dirk just laughs, shaking his head.

 

“No you don’t,” Todd hates that he might be right. “Not  _ yet _ ,” he wraps a hand around his cock and Todd keens as he arches into it as best he can.

 

“I-  _ ah _ , fuck _ , Dirk,”  _ it’s as effective in scrambling his thoughts as it’s meant to be, but he lets go far too soon leaving Todd whining as he tries to get it back. 

 

“Aw,” and  _ fuck _ , he  _ hates _ him. “You want him so badly, don’t you?”

 

“Shut up,” his thighs are trembling, Dirk is filling every one of his senses and it’s the most he can manage. 

 

“I can give you him,” he knows he can. Knows he  _ would _ , but he knows Dirk is trying to break him and he was stupid enough to walk into it this far, he’s not going to hand this to him as well.

 

“ _ Shut. Up. _ ”

 

“You thought about him fucking you like this, didn’t you?” he says, like he knows. “Good and hard, taking you apart just the way you like it, of course you did. But that’s not how you  _ really  _ think he’d do it, is it?”

 

He can already feel the tears stinging at his eyes, knowing where this is going and he doesn’t think he can bear it. 

 

“ _ Don’t _ ,” he tries to make it harsh but it sounds more like a plea even to his ears. Dirk’s teeth against his neck turn into a soft brush of lips, gentle kisses soothing over the damage he’s already left. Todd struggles against his hold as he slows right down, thrusting in slow and deep and  _ perfect _ , keeping their bodies pressed close together as he reaches up to cup his cheek. It’s intimate, almost sweet, turned into something Todd would call  _ making love _ if that was a phrase he could use without cringing. 

 

It hurts, a deep ache in his chest that threatens to crawl up his throat and choke him. 

 

“ _ Todd _ ,” he sighs his name on a soft breath of pleasure, and Todd shakes his head, swallowing back tears because he doesn’t want to give him the satisfaction. “You feel so  _ good _ ,” he sounds amazed by it, just like Dirk would, just like he does when Todd does things he can’t quite believe. 

 

“Stop it,” he asks, even though he knows it’s pointless as he screws his eyes shut, the fact that he  _ wants _ this so badly filling him with shame that he doesn’t know what to do with when he feels as good as he does. 

 

“Look at me,” he screws his eyes shut and shakes his head, but Dirk just brushes gentle kisses along his jaw, patient. “ _ Please _ , just look at me,” and god he  _ can’t _ , but he can’t  _ not, _ not when he sounds like that, all soft and pleading and like everything he’s ever wanted. 

 

He blinks his eyes open, Dirk’s smile is blurry through tears he’s just managing to keep at bay. It’s one he knows well, a soft amazement not much can pull out of him but Todd treasures every time he manages it. It’s all  _ wrong.  _

 

“ _ Todd, _ ” he says, his name sounding reverent from his mouth. “I-”

 

“ _ Don’t _ ,” the word is a whisper as he cuts him off because he  _ knows _ , he knows what’s coming and there’s nothing he can think of that would be worse. “Please,  _ please  _ don’t,” he’d promised himself he wouldn’t ask for anything, wouldn't give him the satisfaction of making him  _ beg _ but he isn’t strong enough for something like this. And he knows Dirk knows that, the dark flash of pleasure that crosses his face when he hears it gives him away. He knows how close he is to tipping over. 

 

“Are you sure?” he asks, so gentle with the words like he actually cares, kissing the small sounds of pleasure from Todd’s mouth every time he rocks his hips. It’s close, intimate, and Todd wants to hang onto the feeling that maybe this could happen, maybe it could just be them like this forever. “You might not get another chance.”

 

He wants to say no. He’s going to say no. But when he tries to get the word out it sticks in his throat because Dirk is  _ right. _ He’s never going to get another chance to hear it, especially not after this. God knows he doesn’t  _ deserve _ to, but he’s imagined it so many times,  _ wanted _ it enough times that just thinking about it like this turns his stomach. He can’t say yes, because he knows already how much it will hurt, but Dirk has him cornered right where he wants him, and Todd can’t say no either. 

 

His breath hitches when Dirk drags his lips up the column of his throat, brushes his hair out of his face in a tender gesture that makes Todd close his eyes again. This time Dirk doesn’t tell him to open them, but he keeps close, cradling his face delicately as he whispers, heartfelt and honest in a way Todd  _ knows _ is a lie but sounds so  _ real. _

 

“ _ I love you. _ ”

 

It breaks something inside of him, just the way it was intended to and he’s sobbing before he can stop himself. Anger wells up inside of him but it’s tinged with helpless despair and all he can do is tug at his restraints as Dirk shifts his weight to keep him pinned there, twisting his wrists against the leather and digging his nails into his own palms.

 

“I hate you,” he hisses, voice full of it in a way he could  _ never _ direct at his Dirk even as he sobs around the words, tears tracking his cheeks. “I  _ hate  _ you.” 

 

“I know,” he promises,sounding almost apologetic and kissing the words from his mouth as he rests his hand at the base of his throat. He’s still fucking him slow and gentle, and it’s just adding another layer of awful on top of everything else but he’s powerless to change it. “I know you do.”

 

“You- you ruined it, you’ve ruined  _ everything _ . I  _ hate _ you.” 

 

“ _ Darling _ ,” he laughs, shaking his head. “I’m just showing you how it  _ feels _ . All the times you hurt people you cared about? Stings, doesn’t it?”

 

He can’t say anything, it’s all too much and it comes as a relief he can’t put into words when Dirk finally picks up the pace again, harder now he’s done what he wanted to do and shattering the illusion entirely. 

 

“You look so  _ good _ like this,” he tells him, wiping his tears away and tightening his grip on his throat just enough for Todd to feel it. He feels lost, like he’s falling with no chance of being caught and the overwhelming weight inside of him is dragging him straight down to the bottom.

 

“It’s okay,” Dirk promises, letting go of the belt to wrap his hand around him, moving in long, steady strokes that have Todd keening. “You fought so hard, but you  _ lost _ . You can let go now.”

 

“Please,” he doesn’t even know what he’s asking for, but he doesn’t have any fight left in him. Even the hatred has turned into a helpless kind of despair that only makes the distinction between how good and how bad he feels all at once blur even more. It’s so much easier just to give over when he knows Dirk has already won anyway. 

 

“He  _ never  _ would have wanted you,” he whispers, sickly sweet in contrast to the words, moving past playful and straight into cruel as he pulls Todd's thoughts right out of his head to parrot back to him. “Not someone who could do  _ this _ to him,” he’s starting to slip, Todd can feel it. That perfect control flaking away as his thrusts start to lose their rhythm, pitching closer to the edge and dragging Todd right along with him even as his words worm their way into his head, unable to stop them from taking hold. “He trusted you, didn’t he? How do you think he’d feel if he knew that you were so  _ desperate _ just to fuck him that you threw that trust away just so you could come for me?”

 

“That’s not-” he bites at his throat, far harder than he has before and Todd yelps. 

 

“Go on then,” he twists his hand, rubbing his thumb in tight little circles just under the head of his cock in a way Todd’s only felt from his own hand before, reminded suddenly how intimately this Dirk already knows him, all the ways his never will. “You may as well get off on it while you can, you know he’s never going to touch you.”

 

It all crashes over him at once, body arching up as he comes and crying too hard to say anything as Dirk fucks him through it. The sobs stick in his throat, and he doesn’t have chance to catch his breath as Dirk pins him down to mindlessly chase his own pleasure, working him to the point of overstimulation until Todd’s thighs are twitching and he’s squirming underneath him, unable to work out what’s good and what’s bad, just knowing it’s far,  _ far _ too much. 

 

It feels like hours, but it’s barely minutes before Dirk’s coming too, digging his teeth into Todd’s shoulder hard enough to draw blood and fingers twitching too tight around his throat. For a minute he can’t breathe, and then Dirk lets go, relaxing against him as they both pant for breath. Todd can’t stop his breath hitching, but Dirk hums out a low, satisfied sound as he digs his thumb into the bite mark he’d left, pulling a whine from him. 

 

“Well that was  _ fun _ .”

 

He wants to tell him to go fuck himself, wants to get angry at the smugness in his tone, how pleased he sounds as he settles down next to him on the bed, but he can't do any of that. All he can do is stare at the ceiling, eyes blurry with tears that he knows are still rolling down his cheeks, but he makes no move to stop. He feels hollowed out in the worst way, empty and  _ used _ , but that's not what happened, he  _ knows _ how much of a part he played in it and now he knows how much he wishes he could take it back.

 

“Oh dear, have I broken you?” 

 

It's enough to make him laugh, a choked off, empty sound because he thinks he just might have. He hasn't got the first idea how he's going to explain this to Dirk when they get him back.

 

_ If _ they get him back.

 

Todd rolls into his side, squeezing his eyes shut and trying to ignore the way Dirk sighs when he turns away from him. He flinches when he moves to pet his side, gentle soothing strokes that don't make him feel better but he finds himself wanting to lean into anyway.

 

“He was going to hate you anyway,” he tells him, whisper soft and Todd goes to put his hands over his ears and ends up struggling to free them where they're still tied together. Dirk shushes him, and he gives up eventually, trying his best to ignore him instead. 

 

“Oh come on, you know he was. You  _ really _ think he'd want you like that?” Todd can handle the thoughts when they’re in his own head, but having them spoken back to him is almost too much, especially in that  _ voice _ . “And he'd say you could still be friends, but we both know it would be too much and you'd end up ruining that like you do everything else. Perhaps this is for the best.”

 

He makes it sound so soft, so  _ reasonable _ and Todd doesn't realise he's choking on his sobs until Dirk’s hand presses over his chest, pulling him back against his body and he goes willingly, letting him press warm and solid along his back because he has nothing else, he might never have anything else ever again.

 

“It's easier when you behave, isn't it?” he asks, breath hot against his ear and Todd shakes his head, nothing about this is  _ easy _ . “No?” he laughs, “are you going to start fighting again? Because I'm going to need at  _ least _ ten more minutes, and you still haven't worked out how to get yourself untied so-”

 

“You don't deserve him.” It comes out whisper soft and hollow, but the words surprise him. Not just because it's not what he'd meant to say, but because he hadn't really been planning on saying anything at all. 

 

“What?” Dirk’s hand stills against his skin. 

 

Todd swallows, because his voice has taken on that edge again where it becomes so obvious that he's forcing the calm into it. He's dangerous, he knows that, but it's not like he can hurt him any more than he already has. 

 

“Your... _ me _ . You don't deserve him,” he says it with conviction, but his voice is still hollow. He doesn't have it in him to fight. 

 

“You don't know him,” and he never wants to, he thinks. Not a version of him who would stay after this, who would  _ want _ to be around him. And then he thinks of a world without Dirk, without  _ any _ version of Dirk, and wonders if maybe they aren't so different.

 

Todd doesn’t know if he’d stay with him if they never got his Dirk back, and the uncertainty is terrifying.

 

“I don't need to. You don't deserve him. You don't deserve anyone,” he doesn't know where it's coming from, but there's no real anger behind it, barely even audible past the tears in his voice but it's enough just to say it he thinks. Enough to let him hear it.

 

“May I suggest you stop while I'm still feeling charitable?” he's dropped everything that isn't icy calm and faked cheer, but it's still not enough to make him feel anything close to the fear he should feel. He wonders if maybe his self preservation instinct has an off switch that Dirk has managed to flip.

 

“Is this it then?” he asks, staring at the opposite wall, trying to find patterns in the paintwork. “This is what the universe wants?”

 

“ _ Perhaps, _ ” he presses the word in against his neck, and Todd notices his hand tracing away down his body but doesn't move to stop him. “But even if it's not, it's what  _ you _ want, what you  _ begged  _ me for. I could spend hours doing this over and over to break you down if I wanted to, but I'm not going to, do you know why?”

 

Todd doesn't say anything, doesn't fight him off. He just holds his breath when Dirks fingers trace around his hole, rubbing his come into his rim where it’s started to leak out. Todd feels dirty with it, and not in a fun way.

 

“I'm not doing that because you  _ want _ me to,” he whispers, pulling him in closer against his chest. “You  _ want  _ to blame me. But I'm not going to let you blame me for this, you always want to give the responsibility to someone else but this one is all on you.”

 

His toes curl, a vulnerable whimper catching in his throat as Dirk easily presses two fingers back into him, wet and open as he is. “You begged me to fuck you, I did, and you  _ liked _ it. You  _ knew _ that it would hurt him and you did it anyway, because that's just the sort of person you are.” He twists his fingers to press against Todd’s prostate and he cries out as he shudders with over-sensitivity, Dirk’s arm secured over his chest to hold him in place when he squirms to get away from it. “Maybe I  _ don't  _ deserve him,” he can hear his smile. “But you don't deserve yours either.” Todd shakes his head, but he doesn't know if he's disagreeing or if he just wants him to stop, Dirk just presses down harder and makes him whine and writhe against him. “ _ Maybe _ we deserve each other, hm?” 

 

Todd whimpers when he draws his fingers free, letting go to flip him over onto his back and wiping the mess over his cheek where he can feel it, sticky and filthy. Just like the rest of him right now, he reasons. 

 

Dirk looks down at him, far more satisfied than Todd had wanted him to be, and every bit as pleased when, despite himself, Todd's eyes stray down his body like he's looking while he still can. 

 

“ _ Now _ ,” he leans over him to reach for his own belt where it had been left at the side of the bed with the rest of his clothes. “I'm going to go and see if I can find anything  _ useful _ ,” he sneers, as if it's something he doesn't consider Todd to be. “And  _ you _ ,” he smooths the belt through his hands before looping it through the one Todd has wrapped around his wrists, using it to tie him down to the headboard. Todd wishes he had it in him to at least try and fight him off as he catches his jaw and forces him to look him in the eye. “You're going to lie here in the mess you made, and think about what you've done.”

 

He steals another kiss from him, deep and possessive, smirking when he pulls back and shoves his fingers into his mouth.

 

“ _ There _ ,” he purrs, “now you know what he tastes like.” It tastes like a mix of both of them and it's somehow worse, when Todd bites his fingers Dirk pulls his hand back and slaps him across the face, taking a fistful of his hair to pull him in close. 

 

“I'm sorry. I  _ believe _ I gave you something  _ nice _ .” 

 

It hurts all of a sudden, the sting where he'd slapped him and the sharp tug at his hair. His whole body hurts from their fight, the deep ache between his legs reminding him what they’d done, his throat bruised by his hands. Like this all he promises is more pain, and in this moment Todd wants more than anything to be left alone. 

 

“Thank you,” he manages, only because he knows it'll get him to leave him be just for a little while. He wants to be able to break down without knowing someone is getting off on making it worse. 

 

Dirk smiles, because it's what he wanted and Todd gave in so easily. He lets go of his hair to drop him back to the bed and pets at he bruising he's sure is building up around his throat, rubbing his thumb over it with a thoughtful sigh.

 

“Let me know when you're ready to apologise. I’ll come and get you when I need you, and you’d better behave when I do.”

 

It’s a warning Todd isn’t interested in right now, he isn’t interested in anything beyond the panic building in his lungs and the weight of the guilt on his chest. His lack of argument seems to satisfy Dirk though who just pats his chest and moves to put some clothes back on. Todd doesn’t watch him, waiting for the tell-tale slam of the bedroom door before he opens his eyes again. 

 

The ceiling is a vast expanse of white stretching out above him, and he shivers when he realises he misses the warmth of another person next to him. He has no idea how long Dirk plans on leaving him like this, but it doesn’t take much tugging to know it will take more than he has in him right now to work his way out of the restraints. He can feel every place Dirk has touched him hot like a brand across his skin, inside his body, and his words echo in his head like he refuses to leave any piece of him untouched. Dirk was right though, he’d asked for it, and it hurts more than he can comprehend to know that he isn’t the only one that’s been hurt by this. Whether he knows it or not he’s hurt Dirk too now, and as always it’s for selfish reasons he shouldn’t have even bothered with. 

 

It’s the knowledge that he’s ruined any chance he’d ever have before he’d even tried to take it that finally tips him over. That he’s hurt them both for no good reason, that he’s proved he isn’t worth it in a way Dirk might actually understand if Todd told him about. 

 

He’s done something unforgivable and he can’t take it back. 

 

He turns his face in against his arm to try to muffle the sound of his tears, and hopes to anyone who’s listening that Dirk never has to find out. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I'm not really expecting many comments on this fic, but I'll take them if you have them. I hope you got something out of this.
> 
> If for some reason you read the tags, didn't like it, and read it anyway you can keep those comments to yourself. 
> 
> I might be back.


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